Unrelenting Thoughts

Sometimes I have so many thoughts in my head that I can't relax. They crash around. They chase each other in circles. They fill my head with a stream of noise. They refuse to be silenced. The thought of escaping into a book or a tv show feels daunting. Where would my thoughts go while I left them alone for an hour? Would I lose them? Would they take care of themselves?

Here are my thoughts just now:

My boss looking down on me.
"You can't even keep the kids still while they're putting their shoes on."
"You have to put your foot down. You can't be afraid of the kids liking you."
"Some people are made to be teachers. Some are teacher's assistants."
"You can't be sitting there, not paying attention."
"The classroom is on the brink of running you. You need to be running the classroom."

Lori telling me not to let a label someone else gives me define my role in this life.
"You enjoy working with kids." She says. "That's something your boss can't take away from you."

Oh Lori, nothing ruffles her feathers.

Sigh.

I genuinely love spending time with children.

It hasn't been the kids who are stressing me out. It's my boss who has been stressing me out.

The feeling that she doesn't trust me. That she doesn't want to get to know me. That she doesn't like me. That she won't give me any space to learn what I need to learn. That she won't let me do things on my own.

That's why I come home crying. I'm so stressed out about my boss' expectations that I can't seem to fill (or want to fill).

There are lots of different ways to teach.

I'm still figuring out what my way is.