Winter
The air was cold and sharp. It felt ragged in my lungs. It was February and I was stupid enough to go for a run. My face stung, my lips cracked, and my eyes watered. Sweat clung to the tee-shirt I wore beneath my hoodie but I didn't dare shed a layer because my sleeves were protecting my hands from getting chapped by the wind.
I ran because I was angry. My mind was too preoccupied to enjoy the sunset. Pushing myself physically is often the way to calm my thoughts. But not today. No, I was too angry at myself. And him. And that fucking wind.
It started with a boy. God, why does it always start with a boy?
We met at a party. The first time.
The second time I was with my friend Alicia.
Alicia's one of those annoyingly cool people who always knows what to wear and can breeze in and out of any conversation at a party. She works in the marketing department for an independent record label so she gets loads of free passes to concerts and festivals and knows about what's happening before it's happening. If there's a new drug on the scene, she's already tried it. If you start listening to an underground band, she's hooked up with their drummer.
I gave up trying to impress her. Well, that was my theory anyway.
That night Alicia dressed me up in a leather jacket and miniskirt. It was close to Halloween so my legs were freezing. Oh, and get this, I was wearing orange-tinted lipstick. Alicia said I looked badass but I felt like I had a neon sign on my face.
Down the stairs. On the subway. Off the subway. Platform trade. On the subway. Off the subway. Up the stairs.
Stupid skirt.
Stupid shoes.
Stupid lipstick.
It was cold and I hadn't eaten that day.
Alicia steered me into a bar. I don't remember what it's name was and probably couldn't point it out to you. Honestly, it was a bit of a dive but Alicia said it was good place for free drinks.
That's the other thing about Alicia, she's a girl and she knows how to work being a girl. Getting free drinks, escaping traffic tickets, playing the cute blonde to get what she wants. It baffles me honestly.
She left me standing awkwardly near a group of guys while she wound her way to the bar. I caught his eye but picked up my phone until Alicia returned with two vodka cranberries. The icy glass in my hand felt too cold while my face felt too hot.
"It's the Cuban bartender tonight." She said. " I think he likes me."
I smiled but my face felt numb.
He was talking to his friends again.
I exhaled.
"Did you know Alex was going to be here?" I hissed in her ear.
Alicia just gave me a maddening 'no but actually yes' smile.
The frustrating thing is, I didn't even start by liking Alex. We just hooked up at a party over the summer. He never asked me on a date and never seemed interested in talking afterwards. One and done. That's fine. Or at least, that's the way everyone seems to live their lives. But the truth is, I'm sick to death of tinder dates and one nighters. I know it sounds cheesy but I really want a boy who calls me just to say goodnight. Who takes me out to breakfast. Who doesn't mind my secret love of pop songs. I want a boyfriend. A real boyfriend. Someone to spend my Sunday mornings and Tuesday nights with.
I looked over at Alex. His arms were folded and I caught a glimpse of the Arabic tattooed on his forearm.
Alicia gave me a playful shove and I glared at her.
Exasperated, she led me into the circle.
"Hi." I said trying to be non-nonchalant. I could have said "Hi, how come you never responded to my text messages?" or "Hi, are you always such an jerk to girls you've been with?" But that was too forward for me. Just "Hi" felt like an effort.
"Hey!" He responded warmly.
Dammit, I liked him.
I didn't want to but I did. I liked the way he smiled. I like the way he double-cuffed his jeans. I liked the way his eyes met mine and seemed to say something I couldn't understand.
"You wanna grab a drink?" He asked.
"I already have a drink." I responded dumbly.
"Right."
We didn't say anything then. I turned to Alicia for help but she wasn't behind me anymore.
"Hey wait." He caught my hand. "I mean, can I take you out?"
My thoughts spun. Ok. Wait what? Ok. I was being asked on a date by Alex from the loft party. He wants spend time with me. I looked our hands and back up at him feeling a surge of confidence.
"Why didn't you respond to any of my texts a few months ago?"
He swallowed. "I was seeing someone else."
"But that's done?"
"Yep, that's done."
"Ok."
"Ok, so yes?" His eyes met mine again.
"Yeah, uhh yes. Ok." I said with an involuntary smile.
We planned to meet for a drink at Jones Club, a trendy place that's only slightly out of my price range. I was secretly hoping he would pay.
So that's how it started. The second time.
If I could go back in time and tell Alicia I was tired or busy or anything to avoid meeting him again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Isn't it amazing how many minuscule decisions lead you to where you end up? Here I am, pounding the uneven cement sidewalk in February cursing myself for going out that night four months ago. I cherish the day before I met Alex Soneson.